The Troll of Christmas Yet to Come

By Phil Collins

Craig stood from his bed and haltingly paced across his room to open the drapes. The mid-afternoon sun pierced his consciousness as it lit up his space. Craig opened a mighty yawn, stretching his arms as high into the air as he could.

“Looks like another beautiful day,” he said to himself in an indecipherable rumble.

He took a seat on his black rolling desk chair. He flipped open his refurbished laptop. The seasoned veteran sputtered and choked before it began waking itself up. Craig stared into the monitor for a minute. He shot up and headed toward the coffee maker.

“Drinking black coffee, drinking black coffee,” he said to himself as he entered the living room.

“Good morning,” a cheerful deep voice said. Craig’s roommate sat on the couch watching Elf. Will Ferrell’s eyes had lost their lids.

“Just three days until Christmas,” Craig said.

“Ho ho ho,” Craig’s roommate said.

Craig smiled, returning to his room with a piping hot cup of store brand coffee. His desktop illuminated the monitor. He double clicked to open Internet Explorer. Facebook loaded slowly. He took a sip. The page pieced itself together. Craig immediately started typing. His fingers flew across the keyboard, posting within seconds.

Craig Mason Just three days until Santa gets a thousand wood logs stuck up his fat ass. What does he expect to happen sliding down rando chimneys? I hope that stupid elf that decided to be a dentist takes up proctology instead.

Scrolling down, there was an endless feed of posts. An old high school classmate posted a video of a cat spinning the wheel of a bicycle. It autoplayed in Craig’s feed. He watched the black cat spin and spin the wheel.

Craig Mason Looks like your cat is getting more exercise than you, you fat fuck. Why don’t you give that poor animal some space and take a bike ride. I hope the frame can hold you. Only one way to find out.

Another sip of coffee tasted like heaven on Earth. Craig scrolled onward. Someone with a last name he didn’t recognize posted an article about a bombing in Not America.

Craig Mason I got BOMBED last night on Jaeger. There were three victims – the Melvin I puked on and the two blondes I wrecked afterward.

Craig looked around his empty room. He put on a light jacket and walked out the front door. Snow tracked the sidewalk and parts of the street. He walked across to the convenient store. His skin started to numb in the short walk to the shop. He pulled open the door and walked straight to the cashier.

“Two packs of Pall Mall, please.”

“Craig, how are you doing, man?” The white-bearded worker turned around to grab the cigarettes.

“Can’t complain. How are Sammy and Patty?”

“About to be on Christmas vacation, so they are bouncing off the walls.”

“I remember those days,” Craig said, thinking of his own time at Middlebury Junior High. “Tell the whole family merry Christmas for me.”

“And a merry Christmas to you, buddy.”

Craig pushed back out into the biting air. He lit up one of the cigarettes and took a drag. He was feeling more awake all the time. He stepped out into the street, headed back toward his apartment. A bell sounded from his pocket – a notification from an app. Several apps used the same sound. Craig slowed as he wondered which app the notification came from. Just then a suburban utility vehicle sped through the intersection, slamming into Craig as it screeched by. Craig watched it fade into the distance as he drew his last breath.

During the next few days, Craig’s Facebook profile page became a memorial. Post after post on his timeline championed his role in his friends’ lives.

Rick Lawson You were the best babysitter. The kids loved when you would come over.

Sandra Flynn I owe my job to you. I never could have gotten it without your advocacy. You were a class act.

Scott Kelly I can’t believe you’re gone. We’ll pour one out for you tonight.

This was followed quickly by a new post.

Craig Mason Merry Christmas, slaves to the corporatocracy. I hope the talking fucking furball under your tree was worth the new asshole Wall Street ripped for you today.