Thanks Folks! Happy Holidays!

Well, this went by a lot quicker than I thought it would. Can you believe we were going to do a zine? I know several of us had a lot of ideas that never came into fruition (I had a stack of CDs I was planning to review that I let fall to the wayside), so I just wanna take the time to give everyone who participated a HUGE thank you! You helped this old holiday jalopy reach its destination.

And of course, thank you to you, the reader, for taking time out to read and watch all of our posts.


See ya next year! Happy Holidays! 

Hanukkah Haiku: Night Eight, by Tony Martin

Keep Christ in Christmas

Keep livin the dream, my friends

Free Bobby Shmurda

Hanukkah Haiku: Night Seven, by Tony Martin

Hanukkah will fade,

But the memories remain

Metallica, bro!

We're Low On Content...

...so here's a baby picture of me on Christmas. 

Hanukkah Haiku: Night Six, by Tony Martin

There are more days in 

Hanukkah than Bears wins in

this goddamn season

Hanukkah Haiku: Night Five, by Tony Martin

At the house cafe 

I'll be dressed as Santa Claus

But on way more coke 

Hanukkah Haiku: Night Four, By Tony Martin

Jason says I'm fake

I'm a half-blood mench, but with

poor budgeting skills

Santa Clown

Our dearest friend Dave Anians (aka Davey Dynamite) recently visited the Volo Auto Museum (and subsequently their antique store) and came across this piece of Holiday Americana:  

Santa Clown is Comin' to Town

TWENTY-TWO DOLLARS?!? SWEET JESUS!

Hanukkah Haiku: Night Three, by Tony Martin

Eight days of presents 

That's better than Christmas, right? 

Dude, I just got socks

14 DOGS THAT LOVE CHRISTMAS!

Thanks to Karma Kaze for these awesome pix!

Hanukkah Haiku: Night Two, by Tony Martin

Merry Christmas, guys 

Said a cop to Pat and I 

I'm Jewish, fucker

Hanukkah Haiku: Night One, by Tony Martin

Hello Hanukkah

Thanks for coming when I'm broke

Just like every year

The Tawdry Hepburns live at the Krank Daddy's Christmas Bash!

Live from Brauer House in Lombard, IL. 

The video cuts out a little early. Blame it on technology.

A Moment in Time with John Dunsworth

Canadian actor and unofficial ambassador of the Great White North John Dunsworth is primarily known for his role as Jim Lahey on a little show called Trailer Park Boys. John recently starred in a new documentary entitled Santa Quest, in which he took his charm across the ocean to compete in the annual Santa Games. I had no idea what the hell this consisted of, and I didn‘t really get an answer, but it sure was an honor to talk with him.  

Jim Lahey's favorite Christmas tradition was drinking his Christmas rum, what are some of John Dunsworth's favorite Christmas traditions?

Family of course and forced semi indolence. Maybe do the big turkey dinner dishes and maybe tell stories to the little ones. An reading of Stephen Leacock's HOODOO MCFIGGENS CHRISTMAS to the family is always a treat.

I just Googled Hoodoo Mcfiggens Christmas. I had never heard of it before. I read the entire thing in your voice. The kids must love having you read Christmas stories to them. Speaking of kids, what was your most prized Christmas gift when you were a child?

A lump of coal ( a charcoal briquette )- I thought it was a new fangled hockey puck.

It sounds like you could start a decent Christmas Day bonfire with that lump of coal. 

Now that you've spent some time in Santa Claus' shoes, do you feel like you have a new found respect for what the man goes through

each Christmas eve?

Hate to tell you Jake but there is no Santa Claus.

Wait, wait wait...how is that possible? Where do all the gifts come from then?I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree there, John.

Jim Lahey brings all the presents.

No wonder they always smell like they've been soaked in the cheapest Canadian whiskey

So after watching the trailer for Santa Quest I noticed that you put yourself into a lot of situations where you're being thrown around by a mechanical bull or a sled of some sort. You also display this type of reckless abandonment in Trailer Park Boys, with some of the greatest prat falls I've ever seen. Do you have a background in stunt work?

I've never been paid for stunts but I do them every time the 1st AD lets me get away with it.

In the Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special, Jim Lahey is very confident in his ability to set up a really fantastic light display. Do you share this same passion?

When I was a kid I used to have to hang strings of blue lights from a 50 foot pine tree in our front yard rather than inspire that quenched my desire . My wonderful wife decorates our tree and puts lights and boughs outside.That's all the decoration I need.

It's really a shame that blue colored lights are now tainted for you. If you had to pick one Christmas song to listen to over and over again on Christmas Eve, which song would you choose?

Sting has a christmas album.It's weird but I listen to it a lot.

That's a great choice. I think Sting catches a lot of flack, but Synchronicity was one of my guilty pleasures in high school.The Santa Winter Games are something I‘ve never heard of, would you able to explain to us what happens there? How do you exactly medal at these games?

You have to see the movie.

Ah yes, I understand that you wouldn't want to spoil it for everyone. Thanks John! 

Santa Around the World ‘95 Trading Cards

Those of you that know me well know that I really like collecting trading cards. And those of you that know me kind of well know that I like Christmas (duh). So it was really hard for me to pass up a three box bundle of Santa Around the World ‘95 trading cards on eBay for super cheap. I tried to record a box opening, but my camera was only able to hold 20 seconds worth of footage. It‘s okay because I probably sounded like a huge tool. I didn‘t even notice this until I was halfway through my second box, but apparently these were printed in Des Plaines and distributed from Mount Prospect. Got some hometown heroes up in here. Anyways, on to the cards! (Please excuse the poor quality photos)

Base Set Pg. 1

Base Set Pg. 2

Base Set Pg. 3 

Base Set Pg. 4

Base Set Pg. 5

Base Set Pg. 6

Base Set Pg. 7

Base Set Pg. 8

An order form (card) for Santa Around the World merch

“Santa‘s Children“ Chase Cards. 1 out of 36 packs
The odds seem more like a guarantee since each
box has 36 packs and I pulled 3. Comes in
4 different designs. I pulled 2 of the 4.
Pretty boring for a chase card, IMO 

SANTA HOLO CARDS! 1 in 6 packs. Odds might be
a little off since I pulled seven out of one of the boxes.
These are neat, but the artwork they used is
so lame compared to the others in the
entire set. I sleeved them because I‘m  a tool and
I might get them graded. 

Santa Phone Cards: 1 out of 108 packs. I pulled
two. Again the odds were exact, however
there is still a little bit of luck involved
seeing that the first box I opened didn‘t
have one. These were probably really
cool to pull in 1995. Were phone cards
a big deal at that time? I was 8 so I don‘t
really remember. I like to imagine someone
calling their SO and being like “I saved my Santa
card for you, babe.“ So romantic. I guess these are
kind of neat seeing that they‘re individually
numbered. Mine are 280 and 721 out of 1750
pressed. There‘s the record collector in me talking.
I assume they aren‘t worth anything so I‘ll
just put them in my binder and forget about
them. I don‘t think PSA grades phone-cards.

The Box

Pack Art

Mexican Santa: historically accurate, or racist? I‘m going with racist. 

Well, that about does it. There was another “chase“ card, if you even want to call it that. 1 out of 720 had a card redeemable for a 22 carat gold Santa card. It wouldn‘t have mattered if I pulled it seeing that the promotion is nearly 20 years old and has undoubtedly ended. I have a ridiculous amount of these cards, so if you‘re looking for a complete base set of these cards you know where to find me. 

Smoke Break by ‎Kelly Christensen

I'm Not Saying it Was Aliens

I'm Not Saying it Was Aliens

By Karma Kaze 

I remember a strange occurrence one Christmas Eve..

I'm not sure exactly what year this was but believe I was at that tender age - the one marked by your older sister telling you burglars are going to invade your house to slaughter you; so you kind of just hoard knotted bed sheets in your closet and lie in frozen terror until your nervous system exhausts and there's nothing to do but to succumb to a catatonic state 'til morning happens.

On this particular night - amidst the season where all the halls are being decked (in the face) and you have an inherent urge to whisper "never wear black without the blue" to the sky above - I was really curious about this creep who's name couldn't escape everyone's mouth. Santa motherfuckin' Clause. 

I should mention that my parent's didn't ever take the time to inform me about those little things a kid should maybe know, like about Xmas legends, the easter bunny..sex and drugs and stuff like that. Thanks, guys. 

It was irritating to me because I've always hated liars, and was always overly skeptical about what my parents had told me. So when this Santa fellow came to mind, I really just wanted more than anything to get to the bottom of this bullshit. 

I thought, I have gone on TOO DAMN LONG, year after dubious year.. hovering in uncertainty - as to whether or not this dude is real or just a shitty happy Dr.Suess rendition of They Live - aka wool over my beady little eyes.

If he WERE real - I'd formulated plans to make friends with Rudolf so together we could jump all those other antler-y festive fucks that made fun of him and eat all their candy.

But I also wanted to stick it to my folks by calling their bluff.

So here's an overview of the situation on the night of the incident:

I'm lying in bed.

I remember being really, really, inexplicably bored – thinking, I ate all those sugar cubes outta my dad's liquor cabinet for this..?

I'm also pretty sure this took place before I learned how to tell time (I'm a late bloomer, gimme a break) so as I'm sitting here, I'm kind of just staring at the blinds over my window, trying not to think about spiders (or burglars- or spider-burglar hybrids), half spacing out.

That's when shit got fuckin' weird.

I heard this loud, buzzing, for lack of a better term - “space ship-y” sound and nearly peed myself.

I wasn't so much scared as I was completely surprised & dumbfounded.

When I focused on the window I just remember seeing reddish lights flashing very bright in a slow, monotonous rhythm on the glass.

What the hell is that sound, though..?

It wasn't as loud, high pitched, or urgent sounding as an Ambulance or any other emergency vehicle that I had ever heard..

Or garbage truck.

Or snow plow.

Besides, the sound was coming from right outside my window.. which is on the back of the house..

where the junkyard is.....not.......located.

After sitting there waiting for this sound to stop, so I can convince myself it was all a dream, I'm now frozen in a state of extreme dumb. And it continues to sound until I finally grow a pair and scrape myself up to look out the window..about 45 seconds.

By the time I got to the window, all I could make out was that muddy red light growing more and more pale pink, and considerably fainter in the dim, late night – early morning kinda sky.

I'm not saying it was aliens.

But it was aliens.

The Yonics-DickPix4Xmas Live at the 7th Street Space

12-06-14

Recorded from a phone, so naturally the quality ain‘t the best. Still rad as fuck, doe.

Taking the Day Off

Hanging out after Christmas Creatures practice. Nothing much to post today. Come see us look like jackasses at the House Cafe's Townie X-Mas December 20th!

Nollaig veterans The Yonics and D.Brawlins are playing the Space tonight. See ya there!

Santa‘s Pocket Watch

For the past few years my friends and I have had this tradition where we get drunk and watch Holiday cartoons. We never really plan it and it always seems to happen naturally. I touched on this a little bit in the initial post on this blog, but this is one of the many reasons why I love Christmas. I guess you can say I‘m a sucker for sappy, sentimental traditions.

We typically search for new cartoons to watch each Holiday season, but there‘s one cartoon that always falls into our rotation. In fact, we typically save it as our grand finale. I need to be at least six beers deep before we watch it.

Santa‘s Pocket Watch. 

I hate to say it, but I think our love for this movie initially started off as a little ironic, but its charm is really hard to avoid. The entire film is voiced by one surly English man, and the soundtrack sounds like something written by 2003-era Mike Kinsella (pre-neck tattoo). The story is extremely basic, but it has such a natural warmth that you won‘t really care or even notice. We love this cartoon so much that we plan to one day make our own live action version of it.

So grab a beer (or six) and watch what we at xCHRISTMASxFOREVERx consider to be the unsung hero of Holiday classics.

(BTW, if anyone can find a copy of the soundtrack I will give them a piece of Christmas Gold)

Vegan Christmas

Vegan Christmas

By Steve O

Being vegan, and before that vegetarian, I would always get the question around the holidays: What do you eat for Thanksgiving/Christmas? You know, like you can’t eat because the holiday meal has to have some meat as a base. (Those poor, horribly disfigured turkeys.) Well I’m going to show you how you can have a full, five-course Christmas dinner without harming (or eating) any animals. Hungry yet? Get cooking!

Butternut Squash Ravioli with Pine Nuts

Ingredients: a package of butternut squash ravioli (I buy Rising Moon brand); 2 cups of frozen butternut squash (you could use fresh too), diced; 3 tablespoons olive oil; 1/3 cup pine nuts; 1-1½ teaspoons sage. Makes enough for 4.

Directions: Cook the ravioli and squash following the package directions. In a large sauté pan, heat the olive oil. Add the pine nuts and sage for a short time, until the pine nuts just start to brown, then remove from heat. Add the ravioli and squash in the pan, and toss it around to get them covered with the oil, pine nuts, and sage. If you’d like you can drizzle more olive oil on top, along with some salt and pepper. Eat and enjoy.

Spinach, Orange, and Cabbage Salad

Ingredients: 6 ounces baby spinach; 2 cups thinly shredded red cabbage; 3 clementines, peeled and divided into sections; 1/2 cucumber, thinly sliced; 1/4 cup toasted slivered almonds; 2 tablespoons olive oil; 2 tablespoons white balsamic vinegar. Makes enough for 6 to 8.

Directions: Combine the spinach, cabbage, oranges, cucumber, and almonds together in a bowl. Mix the oil and vinegar together, and coat the salad as you wish. Eat and enjoy.

Roasted Garlic Mashed Potatoes

Ingredients: 1 whole head of garlic; 6 large russet potatoes, peeled and diced; 2 tablespoons of Earth Balance (or other vegan butter) or olive oil; 1/4 to 1/2 cup rice milk; salt and pepper, and thinly sliced scallion or minced chives for garnish. Makes enough for 6.

Directions: Remove some of the outer layers from the garlic, but keep each clove intact. Place on a baking sheet and bake for 40 to 45 minutes at 350° or until the cloves are soft. When the cloves are cooled, separate them and squeeze the garlic out of each clove, discarding the outer skin. Place the diced potatoes in a large saucepan with water and bring to a simmer. Cover the pan and simmer for 20-25 minutes, or until the potatoes are very tender, then drain the pan. In a large bowl, combine the cooked potatoes with the Earth Balance and stir until it is melted. Add 1/2 cup of rice milk and the garlic, and mash the potatoes until they’re smooth and fluffy. If you need to, add more rice milk to loosen the consistency. Season with salt and pepper, and sprinkle some scallion or chives on top. Eat and enjoy.

Sweet Potato and Macadamia Nut Soup

Ingredients: 2 tablespoons olive oil; 1 onion, chopped; 2 stalks celery, chopped; 2 tablespoons minced fresh ginger; 3 cloves garlic, minced; 2 tablespoons lemon zest; 3 sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped; 1 cup macadamia nuts, ground in a food processor; 6 cups of vegetable broth; 3 tablespoons parsley, finely chopped; salt and pepper, and some chopped macadamia nuts for garnish. Makes enough for 6.

Directions: Heat oil in a large pot. Cook the onion and celery until they’re soft, stirring often. Then add the ginger, garlic, and lemon zest and keep stirring. Add the sweet potatoes, your group up macadamia nuts, and the vegetable broth, and bring to a boil. Then let the pot simmer until the potatoes are very soft. Stir in the parsley, then remove from the heat. Let the soup cool for a bit, the puree it with an immersion blender or food processor. Season with salt and pepper, and chopped macadamia nuts, if you want. Eat and enjoy.

Gingerbread Cookies

Ingredients: 1/3 cup canola oil; 3/4 cup sugar; 1/4 cup molasses; 1/4 cup soy milk; 2 cups flour; 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1/2 teaspoon salt. Spice blend is 1/2 teaspoon of ground nutmeg, 1/2 teaspoon cloves, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, 1 ½ teaspoons ground ginger. Makes about 16 cookies.

Directions: In a large bowl, whisk together the oil and sugar for about 3 minutes, then add the molasses and soy milk. Sift in all the dry ingredients, mixing them up about halfway through. When all the dry ingredients are in, mix until a stiff dough is made. Flatten that into a disc, wrap it in plastic wrap, and let it chill for at least an hour. (If you let the dough chill for much longer than an hour, let it warm up for about 10 minutes, it makes the rest easier.) Preheat the oven to 350° and lightly grease two baking sheets. Spread out a light layer of flour and roll the dough out on this to a little less than 1/4 inch thick. Cut out the cookies with whatever cookie cutter shape you want, and then place the cookies on the baking sheets. Bake for 8 minutes. Eat and enjoy.

Tales From Under the Christmas Tree by Connor McNerney

Santa Claus by Amy Giltner

What I Want For Christmas

What I Want For Christmas

By Me, BRICK RIPLEY

All you turkeys are always wondering what Brick wants for Christmas. What do you get the man who has everything? He already has the hardest abs this side of the Mississippi. He already owns the meanest biceps since Randy Savage. These guns aren’t going anywhere. Brick just bench pressed your Grandma after she ate a triple cheeseburger for breakfast. That was only the warm up. Where do you think that crater on the south side of town came from? That’s where Brick slammed a refrigerator after running a marathon carrying it over his head. That’s right. Brick has never heard of a half marathon and he only does 5K’s in blocks of nine.

Now that the adrenaline is coursing through ol’ Brick’s veins like a rager of an energy drink, he can finally focus on what he wants to see under the tree this December 25. First, on Blu-ray only, he wants the award winning film WADJDA. It’s about this dope kid in Saudi Arabia who wants to ride a bike. Everybody tells her: “You’re just a BIMBO, how are you gonna ride a bike with those little girly legs?” She says: “Hey, I want to ride.” They tell her: “You’re poor as shit. You have to be ready to make it rain if you want to ride a bike in this town.” She says: “I WANT TO RIDE.” So she enters a baller ass competition to win some Saudi Benjamins. She blasts her classmates so hard on the verses of the Koran and she rides that bike all over town. Living large. Roll credits.

Moving on, second on the list is a film Brick could do hundreds of pull-ups while watching. This one is in the spirit of the season. The film is HAPPY CHRISTMAS, directed by my main man Joe Swanberg. I know, I know. It isn’t out on Blu-ray yet. Well, Brick didn’t get where he is today by taking “no” for an answer! Get into Wal-mart and barge into that back stock room. Then bust some heads until you find the feel good comedy of the year. Swanny got some real babes lined up in this one. Anna Kendrick, UP IN THE AIR girl, and the naked chick from GIRLS. Anna Kendrick and UP IN THE AIR girl move in together, only problem is UP IN THE AIR’s boner of a husband is hanging around all the time. And that kid. PITCH PERFECT finally loosens her up a little bit. Merry Christmas, one and all.

Last but not least is the Oscar-snubbed KON-TIKI. Those Hollywood hambones had better not let me catch them alive or they’re gonna wish they had gone into basket weaving instead of film awarding. Brick needs to be clear on this next point. KON-TIKI is only acceptable in the original Norwegian. They filmed a version in English, but it is NOT RIPPIN. The movie is about a guy named Thor, so of course it should be in Norwegian. Anyway, Thor sails across the biggest, baddest ocean in the world on nothing but a slab of balsa wood. Well, you’re in for a surprise. I’m ready to announce, right here on this Christmas wishlist, that I, BRICK RIPLEY, am going on an epic quest of my own. I’m sailing to Polynesia. I’m sailing to the Phillipines. I’m sailing to Brisbane. All on a raft made of nothing but used pizza boxes. I’ll survive on crusty cheese and raw fish for weeks. Then, you, the audience, can decide. Who is the REAL tough guy? Brick or Thor? BRICK or Thor?

-Phil Collins

Christmas Time Is Here

I‘ve always loved holidays, and I really don‘t know why. 

I think a lot of it has to do with how enthusiastic my mom was about them when I was a kid. She would decorate our home from top to bottom, and would play relevant holiday music for the entire month. Did you know there are several albums worth of Fourth of July related music? 

So Christmas was obviously no different, and it was in fact the apex of my mom‘s decorating ability. We had cases upon cases of holiday albums, and the Christmas tree looked like a busy city, filled with animals coexisting with giant spheres and plastic candles. Mom really established a foundation for the Christmas Spirit to really flourish within me at an early age, and I‘ve really held onto it for the past 20-some years. 

My mom‘s birthday was December 1st. Her favorite birthday treat for herself (and subsequently my brother and myself) was to drive to Chicago and look at Marshall Field‘s Holiday display. We would eat lunch in their gigantic dining hall around their humungous Christmas tree and she would let me drink coffee. One year, when I was about 10 or so, we showed up a little later in the afternoon and couldn‘t get a table because the dining hall had reach its seating limit. My mom was visibly upset about this, and I tried comforting her by telling her that it would be okay and we‘d just come down earlier next year. Due to unfortunate circumstances, that was the last time we ever went. 

Some people might think that my love for the Holiday Season stems from a long lost nostalgia, and that might be true. However, as I got older, it would become the time of year when I‘d really cherish the time I would spend with my friends and family. I love drinking beer in a shitty bar while snow is falling, I love driving around and looking at Christmas lights, and I love the holiday parties that I‘d celebrate with my loved ones. 

Some people believe that a love for the holidays is based around gifts and commercialism and whatever. That‘s probably true for some people, but I couldn‘t really give a shit about that aspect of it. Give me a case of beer, a room full of friends, and a brightly lit tree and I‘m more than content. 

Of course Vince Guaraldi is playing through a speaker. 

Welcome to xChristmasxForeverx! Please feel free to submit anything Holiday related to jjoyce3300@gmail.com.