What I Want For Christmas

What I Want For Christmas

By Me, BRICK RIPLEY

All you turkeys are always wondering what Brick wants for Christmas. What do you get the man who has everything? He already has the hardest abs this side of the Mississippi. He already owns the meanest biceps since Randy Savage. These guns aren’t going anywhere. Brick just bench pressed your Grandma after she ate a triple cheeseburger for breakfast. That was only the warm up. Where do you think that crater on the south side of town came from? That’s where Brick slammed a refrigerator after running a marathon carrying it over his head. That’s right. Brick has never heard of a half marathon and he only does 5K’s in blocks of nine.

Now that the adrenaline is coursing through ol’ Brick’s veins like a rager of an energy drink, he can finally focus on what he wants to see under the tree this December 25. First, on Blu-ray only, he wants the award winning film WADJDA. It’s about this dope kid in Saudi Arabia who wants to ride a bike. Everybody tells her: “You’re just a BIMBO, how are you gonna ride a bike with those little girly legs?” She says: “Hey, I want to ride.” They tell her: “You’re poor as shit. You have to be ready to make it rain if you want to ride a bike in this town.” She says: “I WANT TO RIDE.” So she enters a baller ass competition to win some Saudi Benjamins. She blasts her classmates so hard on the verses of the Koran and she rides that bike all over town. Living large. Roll credits.

Moving on, second on the list is a film Brick could do hundreds of pull-ups while watching. This one is in the spirit of the season. The film is HAPPY CHRISTMAS, directed by my main man Joe Swanberg. I know, I know. It isn’t out on Blu-ray yet. Well, Brick didn’t get where he is today by taking “no” for an answer! Get into Wal-mart and barge into that back stock room. Then bust some heads until you find the feel good comedy of the year. Swanny got some real babes lined up in this one. Anna Kendrick, UP IN THE AIR girl, and the naked chick from GIRLS. Anna Kendrick and UP IN THE AIR girl move in together, only problem is UP IN THE AIR’s boner of a husband is hanging around all the time. And that kid. PITCH PERFECT finally loosens her up a little bit. Merry Christmas, one and all.

Last but not least is the Oscar-snubbed KON-TIKI. Those Hollywood hambones had better not let me catch them alive or they’re gonna wish they had gone into basket weaving instead of film awarding. Brick needs to be clear on this next point. KON-TIKI is only acceptable in the original Norwegian. They filmed a version in English, but it is NOT RIPPIN. The movie is about a guy named Thor, so of course it should be in Norwegian. Anyway, Thor sails across the biggest, baddest ocean in the world on nothing but a slab of balsa wood. Well, you’re in for a surprise. I’m ready to announce, right here on this Christmas wishlist, that I, BRICK RIPLEY, am going on an epic quest of my own. I’m sailing to Polynesia. I’m sailing to the Phillipines. I’m sailing to Brisbane. All on a raft made of nothing but used pizza boxes. I’ll survive on crusty cheese and raw fish for weeks. Then, you, the audience, can decide. Who is the REAL tough guy? Brick or Thor? BRICK or Thor?

-Phil Collins